My Heart Was Home Again
by IseultLaBelle
Summary: It's been weeks since Alicia left to take up her fellowship in Manchester, and Ethan has heard nothing. Alone again and heartbroken, he's struggling to move on, when an unexpected phone call changes everything, and Alicia needs him more than ever. Are some things meant to be after all? Because I had to try to fix it, my lovelies.
1. Chapter 1

_**Before you read: I urge urge urge you to get up youtube, and put in 'Celtic Woman Dulaman Emerald.' It must be specifically the Emerald version.**_

 ** _The prose at the beginning of this story is the first verse of a beautiful Irish folk song called A chailin aluinn (the beautiful girl), and the first minute of the version of Dulaman from Celtic Woman's Emerald tour is actually the first and last verses of A chailin aluinn, in the original Irish. Lisa Lambe who sings it for Emerald has an absolutely gorgeous voice, and captures the mood I am aiming for here far, far better than I ever could._**

 _'_ _Oh, beautiful girl, to whom I gave my love._

 _She alone has more beauty than the fair roses,_

 _Without her, I am sorrowful._

 _Oh, beautiful girl, you are the cause of my sadness.'_

 _-A Chailin Aluinn_

 **Chapter 1**

It's two in the morning, and already he's given up on sleep.

He lies awake instead, bedside light on full power, pours over a medical journal rescued from the staffroom recycling bin, ignores the nagging voice at the back of his mind that reminds him he's on a twelve-hour shift in the morning, that by giving up on sleep now, he's resigning himself to struggling through tomorrow on excessive quantities of caffeine, half-asleep, just a little disorientated.

He should try to sleep at least.

Rationally, he does know that.

But it's not exactly a secret that he's a lifelong insomniac, and the situation has been a little worse than usual, as of late.

Ever since she went away.

His bedroom feels strangely empty, without her.

It's not even so much her presence, because yes, he feels lonely without her, the other side of the bed a little too cold for his liking, but it's not as if she was spending every night of the week here, even towards the end.

It's her possessions, more than anything else. He's never done much with the décor of his place; it was his and Cal's originally, of course, rather limited his self-expression when it came to interior design. Perhaps he could have done more with his own room, his own personal space, but somehow, he never quite got around to it, too wrapped up in work and then Cal was gone, wrenched away from him and he didn't see it coming, and then it felt wrong to.

Wrenched away from him without warning, just like her.

He's barely heard from Alicia, since she left for Manchester.

It was only to be expected, really. He's a fool for hoping for anything else, after the way she left.

Rationally, Ethan knows that, curses himself for all those moments in which he's allowed himself to cling to false hope.

She needs this.

She made that perfectly, painfully clear.

She needs a fresh start, she needs to spread her wings the way he would never have quite allowed her too, not really, fly off into the sunset and one day he'll see her name on the front page of one of the medical journals he turns to when insomnia strikes again, because she'll have achieved something brilliant, with this fellowship. He knows she will.

Something brilliant, now she's free of him.

She didn't have to say it, but Ethan knows it's true.

He held her back. That's the truth of it. She was right, she was spot on, those last two days. He treated her like the F2 who first arrived in the ED, pink hair and panda eyes and just a little bit flaky, so much potential and no idea how to utilise it, not back then.

But she worked out how, somewhere along the line. She never quite started believing in herself, not until the very end, but that potential began to blossom out of her, and even then, he couldn't quite see it.

Perhaps he wanted to protect her. Perhaps it was after the ambulance crash, after Eddie, perhaps he was just so determined to protect her that he couldn't see the wood for the trees, couldn't see that she was growing, changing, no longer fresh out of med school and rabbit in the headlights but determined, highly capable, brilliant, ready to lead for herself, carve her own path.

It was all there, those last few months, and still he didn't see it.

Even though everyone else around them did.

He's such an idiot.

He's messed things up with her once again, but there's no going back this time.

This is something he won't ever be able to fix.

She's moved on with her life. She's survived the unimaginable in Holby, and she's recovered, she's thrived, and now she's moved on, off to be more incredibly amazing than she could ever be with him holding her back. That's it. It's over.

She's probably dating someone from the Paeds ED at Manchester City already, probably stumbling home from an inner-city club right now, as he lies awake, in the arms of some dashing, successful, _Huntington's free_ paeds consultant, she'll barely remember him give it a few years. He'll be just another notch on her bedpost, just another face she'll have left behind, insignificant, buried in the past, forgotten…

His mobile vibrates softly against the bedside table.

"Hello?"

He's so lost in his thoughts that Ethan doesn't think to check the caller ID.

"Ethan? Ethan, it's Ruby. Ruby from the ED, Alicia's… well, tenant, now. I think. I thought."

"Hi… hi Ruby." He might not be able to sleep, but he's far from wide awake, head fuzzy, brain operating in slow motion, doesn't quite take in her words, the ominous message they hold they he won't de-code until later. "Is there… is there anything I can do for you? Only, it's rather late, I'm on shift in a few hours…"

"Ethan, you need to get over here now." There's a panic, an urgency, in Ruby's voice that he's missed until now, disguised beneath her awkwardness speaking on the phone. "You really, really need to get over here now. It's… it's Alicia," she tells him shakily, and everything stops. "I don't know what to do… I can't… you need to get here now, Ethan. Alicia needs you here now."

 **I wrote this in two twenty minute sessions, ie not a lot of time at all and I know it's awful, but I wanted to get some kind of a first chapter up after that episode tore my heart out. Please feel free to send me your complaints, and if I continue with this I will sort them out later!**

 **If you read my other stories, this is designed to slot in between Atoms and Avalon- although equally designed to be read as a stand-alone story. I have finally, finally sorted out what I want to do with Atoms, and this comes in after it, and is obviously set a few weeks after Alicia's exit. I've been thinking this story through for a couple of weeks now, but after that episode I just had to try to do something with it to work through my mess of emotions.**

 **As ever, please do let me know what you thought of this, and if you would like me to keep writing it, I promise I will fix Alicia and Ethan's ending.**

 **-IseultLaBelle x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It's a ten-minute drive across Holby to Alicia's house, if that, but it feels like a lifetime.

He probably shouldn't be driving, Ethan considers vaguely, not really, not all the while he's so distracted, heart racing, can't possibly concentrate on anything but her.

But what else could he do?

It's far too late to late to book a taxi (or is it? Ethan isn't exactly a party animal, but it must be, surely, must be too late to book one to physically pick him up from his flat?), too far to walk, middle of the night and Ethan isn't leaving it until morning, there's no chance of that.

Alicia needs him. That's what Ruby said.

How can he not come running immediately if Alicia needs him?

He parks across the street, freezes for a moment, pulls himself together and climbs out the drivers' seat, crosses the road, completely out of his depth, no idea what he's about to walk into and a part of him doesn't quite want to, either.

He hasn't seen her for weeks, hasn't heard from her ever since she left… anything could have happened… there's no telling the state she might be in, not on the little information Ruby has given him…

Even as he approaches her front door, still a couple of houses away, it's clear that something is very, very wrong.

It's two in the morning- closer to three, now- but Rash and Gem stand awkwardly in the front garden, door wide open, two figures huddled together, crouched on the doorstep. Gem giggles a little as Ethan half-walks, half-runs past, clearly drunk, Rash holding her upright, hissing at her to stop.

Curled up on the doorstep, front door firmly shut behind her, is Alicia, knees pulled up to her chest, head in her hands, shoulders trembling violently.

Ruby sits in front of her, hands on her shoulders, murmurs softly, glances up as Ethan reaches the doorstep.

"Alicia," she says gently. "Alicia, Ethan's here."

If Alicia has heard her, she doesn't acknowledge it.

He should try to get through to her. He should follow Ruby's lead, crouch down beside Alicia and talk to her gently, attempt to gain some sort of response, but he's rooted to the spot, panicked, useless.

She looks so small, so broken…

"Alicia?" Ethan stammers, struggles to pull himself together. "Alicia? Alicia, it's me, it's Ethan."

Nothing.

"What happened?" Ethan whispers.

Ruby turns to face him, shuffles into the wall until she's beside Alicia, arms around her protectively. "Alicia?" she tries again. "Alicia? Come on, breathe for me. It's alright. Everything's alright now."

Alicia shakes her head like a small child, eyes closed, breathes shakily, buries her head in her knees again as though she's trying desperately to shut out the world.

Ruby sighs. "I'm not entirely sure of everything that's happened," she explains, eyes plead with Ethan for help. "I… well… from what I've gathered since… since I realised Alicia was here…" her gaze shifts to Gem and Rash, still stood in the garden, glares furiously. "Gem has been leaving the front door on the latch for months, whenever she's in and she's waiting for Rash to come over, or she's going out and she knows there's someone in, because it's _easier_ , apparently. Never mind that anyone could have just walked in off the streets, never mind that Alicia's been through enough as it is, and she knew that, she _knew_. It's not funny!" she snaps furiously.

Gem collapses into another fit of drunken giggles in Rash's arms, despite his desperate attempts to silence her.

"All that time we were living together, she was finally starting to feel safe in her own home and all the time you were leaving the front door unlocked half the time, it isn't funny!" Ruby snaps angrily. "I think Alicia must have arrived, gone to unlock the front door and realised it was only on the latch, I'm not sure. I was asleep and then I heard her…" she shudders for a moment, continues. "Sorry. I came down, obviously, I had no idea what was going on, and Alicia was in hysterics on the doorstep, I couldn't calm her down. I didn't know she was planning on coming back this week… I tried to get her into the house, but she was terrified, she kept insisting there was someone in the house and who can blame her, I was half-convinced there was someone in the house at that point, too. I was half-thinking about calling the police when Rash and Gem got back and Gem told me she'd been leaving the door like this ever since she moved in."

"Oh my god, only when there's someone in," Gem slurs from the front garden.

"And that doesn't make it any better!" Ruby shouts back. "I was going to send Rash and Gem in to check inside, just to be sure there's no one in there- to put Alicia's mind at rest, more than anything else, she won't go in there. But then Alicia started screaming blue murder at both of them, she's told Gem she's kicking her out as of right now, she's refusing to let her back in other than to clear her stuff out…"

"She can't do that!"

"She's your landlord and you've demonstrated spectacularly just how irresponsible you are, I think under the circumstances she can! I just about managed to calm her down, but we haven't really managed to resolve it," Ruby explains. "She won't let Gem and Rash back in, and I can't say I blame her, all things considered, but Rash doesn't want to wake his parents up at this hour and they've got nowhere else to go. So we've reached a bit of a standoff, but she's… she hasn't said a word, not since she stopped screaming. I don't think she needs an ambulance, I think that's only going to make matters worse…"

 _So she called him_ , Ethan concludes.

Ruby can't get through to her, so she called him.

Is he really going to be able to manage any better?"

"And have you… have you heard from her, lately?'

Ruby shakes her head worriedly. "Not for a couple of weeks, now."

"Alright… alright… Alicia? Alicia, listen to me." Ethan kneels in front of her, heart sinks a little when she fails to look up at him. "Alicia, I'm going to go in, I'm going to make sure there's no one in there and then I'm going to come back. Okay? Ruby's going to stay here with you. Alicia?"

Alicia rocks slowly on the doorstep, non-responsive.

"Okay. Okay, I'll be right back," Ethan tells her hurriedly, turns on the torch setting on his phone, accepts Ruby's offer of her front door key and races in through the door, scans the living room, through the dining room to the kitchen, opens all the cupboard doors before he heads up the stairs, repeats the process.

Alicia. Alicia…

The woman trembling on the doorstep is unmistakably Alicia, but she's not the same Alicia who left him behind to pursue her Paediatric Emergency Medicine dreams.

He's back through the front door a few minutes later, double checked and triple checked, because he can't bring Alicia into the house unless he's absolutely certain, not when she's like this.

Something must have happened, something else, it can't just be this…

Why is she even here? He was under the impression she was going to be working all hours, erratic shifts, no two days off consecutively for a while bar coming on and off nights…

Ruby looks up as he pulls open the front door, shakes her head subtly, answers the question he doesn't want to pose, not in front of Alicia.

"Alicia? Alicia, darling, can you hear me?" He crouches back down in front of her, watches anxiously for a reaction; something, anything, to suggest she's not completely lost. "It's completely safe in there. There's no one in there, I promise. So why don't we get you inside? You must be exhausted…"

Ever-so slightly, Alicia shakes her head, tilts in the direction of Gem and Rash for the briefest of moments and then she's shaking again, shutting down and yet her feelings are perfectly clear.

To Ethan, at least.

"Alright," he agrees. "Alright, I get it. It's alright."

He stands, glares at Gem, although realistically, she's so far gone that he's addressing Rash. "Give me your key."

"What?" Gem complains. "No way. I live here, I pay rent…"

"And you've been leaving the front door unlocked and putting everyone else in this house in danger for months, and I believe Alicia made her feelings perfectly clear," Ethan retorts firmly. "Give me your key. Now."

"Ethan, mate, can we talk about this?" Rash tries. "I know we shouldn't have done it, we were stupid, I'm sorry. We're sorry."

"Speak for yourself…"

"Yes, she is, she's sorry. Or she will be when she sobers up, anyway. But we can't go back to my parents' this late…"

"And Alicia can't stay out here a moment longer while she's like this, so all things considered, she's my priority," Ethan snaps. "Key. Now. Or… hang on, do you even have it?"

Reluctantly, after heavy prompting from Rash, Gem sighs. "It's on the side in my room…"

"Thank you. Ruby, do you want to do the honours?"

Ruby nods, carefully lets go of Alicia, slips back into the house as slowly, apprehensively, Ethan lowers himself down in her place.

"Alicia?" He tries again. "Alicia?"

She ignores him- doesn't hear him, can't find it in her to respond, whatever it is that's causing her to behave like this- but when he places his hands on her shoulders gently, she doesn't object; visibly relaxes, if anything.

"Alicia? Alicia, listen. Ruby's getting Gem's key, okay? She'll be out first thing tomorrow. Won't you, Gem?" He glares up at her furiously, makes clear there's no room for argument. "But do you think her and Rash could stay, just for tonight? It's late, Alicia, it's the middle of the night, we don't want them stuck out here until…"

Slowly, apprehensively, Alicia nods, buries her face back into her knees again, and then the front door opens, Ruby reappearing in the doorway.

"Go in, then," says Ethan, still glaring at Gem and Rash. "But you can leave first thing, and that's it. I think you've proven you can't be trusted."

They don't need to be told twice, scuttle in through the front door sheepishly.

"Alicia? Alicia, I need you to look at me, darling, can you do that?"

She's scaring him, now. She was scaring him before, of course, but this is something else.

She can hear him. He's reasonably certain of that, needs to examine her, really, just to be sure she's alright, but based on her physical presentation there's no reason to think she can't hear him.

Her lack of response isn't because she can't hear him, shit…

"I think we need to get you inside, don't we? Alicia? Why don't we get you inside, you can get some rest, and we can take it from there? What do you think?"

He's suddenly aware of the small suitcase sat on the other end of the doorstep beside her handbag, another component of this puzzle he's doing a truly terrible job of piecing together.

"Alicia? Alicia, if you don't want to talk to us, that's okay, but I need you to listen."

Should he try to take her hands, initiate a stronger connection between them, of sorts, or is that only going to make matters worse?

She ended it with him, Ethan reminds himself. She ended it with him, he would have moved to Manchester, he would have made it work, hell, he would have done long distance, failing that, but she didn't want it, she wanted to end things with him and move on with her life.

Is he really the best person to be with her now?

Does she even want him here?

"We need to get you inside, Alicia. It's freezing out here. There's no one in there who shouldn't be, okay? I've checked. You're safe here. I… I don't know what's happened, and you don't have to tell me, not if you don't want to. But you're safe now. Okay? Ruby and I aren't going to let anyone hurt you. Everything's going to be fine now. Will you come inside with us? Alicia? I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do, but I think you'll feel much better indoors…"

Slowly, Alicia raises her head, nods slightly.

It's a tiny movement, hardly anything to celebrate when he still can't see her face, not properly.

But at the same time, it's the only real indicator she's given him so far that she understands a word that's being said to her, that she hasn't lost it completely.

"Alright. Alright, can you stand? Alicia?" It's a pointless question, really; even as he's posing it, his arms are wrapping around her on the one side, Ruby's on the other, neither of them trusting her to support herself. She hisses in pain as Ethan attempts to move her left arm around his shoulders, resists, shrinks back into herself but she's upright now, at least, standing shakily, face finally visible; red, blotchy, and frighteningly pale all at once.

He just thought she wanted to move on. He thought it was best to leave it to her to contact him, all things considered, and when she didn't he assumed it was because she was moving on, embracing her new life in Manchester and never looking back... shit…

This hasn't happened overnight; that much is clear. Unless something truly terrible has happened, this hasn't all unfolded overnight, this has been brewing for weeks…

 _Focus, Ethan, focus…_

"Sorry, sorry…"

He doesn't question it at first, starts to turn to guide her in through the front door, and only then does Ethan realise that he's dismissing it in his mind almost automatically, back to treating her physically as he would have months ago, taking for granted that her range of motion is going to be restricted...

She's cradling her left arm against her chest now, elbow bent fully in and they haven't been here for weeks- or they hadn't, at least, not before she left.

"Did you transfer your physio sessions, when you moved?" Ethan asks carefully, and it doesn't matter, not really, not just then, but somehow it seems to sum the whole situation up well and truly in that moment, the most important aspect of it all and he can't quite explain why.

Nothing. No reaction at all, but she still won't meet his eyes.

Ethan decides now isn't the time to push it, not when the answer is perfectly clear.

They get her up the stairs together, switch on the light in her bedroom to find that the bed's still made, at least, that she clearly hasn't moved all of her things out completely just yet. They guide her down onto the bed, Ruby sitting down beside her, hand reaches out carefully for her wrist.

He's so out of his depth. She broke up with him; Ruby has to be preferable at this point, surely?

What even is this point? What do they do with her now, is there even a right thing to do in this situation? What even is this situation… what if…?

Has she taken something? No, Ethan decides, her behaviour doesn't fit, and besides, he doubts she would nowadays, doubts she'd risk losing control like that after what happened back in May… unless she was spiked, of course, but it doesn't add up, it seems to be selective…

Do they take her into the ED? Do they just let her sleep for now, make her feel safe, hope that this is all just the end result of a terrible day and working stupid hours, and after a decent sleep she'll be back to normal?

Ethan does know that isn't going to happen, as much as he desperately wants to believe it.

"Alicia? Alicia, I'm going to leave you with Ruby while I go and get your bag, okay? I'm coming back."

He pulls the door to, races back down the stairs, grabs Alicia's bags from the doorstep and double bolts the door behind him, wheels her suitcase into the living room as he tries to work out what on earth they do with her now.

How did she even get here? He didn't notice her car on the street outside, and he would have seen it, he would have, her usual parking space is definitely empty…

Should he turn her handbag out for clues, just in case she's taken something, or is that crossing the line? Probably.

Alicia… Alicia…

Is she supposed to be in work tomorrow? Is this some kind of breakdown? Has she come back here because she's running, because she's suffered some sort of psychotic episode, is that why she isn't talking?

Should he phone in sick for her? Yes, Ethan decides, perhaps that's for the best.

He'll phone in sick for her, as her concerned friend looking after her, of course, nothing more, and if it turns out she isn't even supposed to be in tomorrow then he can always say he meant her next shift, or something, because unless she makes a miraculous recovery in the next few hours, it isn't going to make a difference when her next shift is, she won't be working it.

The last thing she needs is to have to worry about being in trouble with her new boss, on top of all this- whatever this even is.

He'll phone now. It's an ED, after all, it doesn't really make a difference; phoning in the middle of the night is perfectly acceptable in a department that never sleeps. He'll phone in sick for her now and get it over with, then he can just concentrate on her.

He needs to concentrate.

Ethan pulls up google, enters the search terms, scans until he finds the correct section of the Manchester City Hospital page, scrolls down for Paeds ED for clinical lead.

Clinical Lead of Paeds ED will do, he tells himself. There's no point going to the directors of the fellowship, her immediate boss in the Paeds ED will do perfectly fine for now, they only need minimal details at this point.

Mr Nicolescu, Clinical Lead, reads the first profile on the next webpage, photo alongside the contact details.

Ethan's heart sinks.

 _Shit. Shit, shit, shit, no wonder…_

Alicia…

He copies the phone number, dials, mind racing a little as he tries to work out what on earth he's going to say.

 _Oh, Alicia…_

Did she know? Had she met him, at the interview, or was it just with the directors of the fellowship, did she have any idea what she was letting herself in for?

The call connects.

"You're through to Manchester City Paeds ED, Andrei Nicolescu speaking."

"Oh… good evening," Ethan stammers, thinks better of it immediately.

 _Good evening? For god's sake, Ethan, it's the middle of the night…_

"My name's Ethan Hardy, I'm a friend of Alicia Munroe," he begins. "I believe she's one of your junior registrars, I'm just calling to let you know that unfortunately she won't be in for her next shift. She's… she's been very ill, this evening, she's come down with…" _Shit, shit, why didn't he think this through before he picked up the phone, decide in advance on his story…_

"Dr Munroe?" Andrei Nicolescu repeats on the end of the phone, confusion evident in his tone. "You're calling in sick for Dr Munroe?"

"Yes, yes, I was under the impression she works…"

"You misunderstand me. I suspended Dr Munroe yesterday, she really gave me no choice," Andrei Nicolescu explains slowly. "Didn't she tell you?"

 **The concept behind this chapter came from a tiny line in episode 8 of this series- the part when Rash comes over to Alicia, Ruby and Gem's, and Gem shouts that the front door is open. I've never been much of a Gem fan (I'm sorry, Gem fans!) but that really annoyed me. You'd think after everything Alicia went through in that house, she would know better than to leave the front door unlocked!**

 **I just wanted to say a massive, massive thank you to Citylightsonthew, Katharine, panicpeachpit, 20blueroses and my two guests for your lovely reviews, I think that's the best response to a new story I've ever had on this website. You lot are seriously, seriously wonderful. (I'm still a mess too).**

 **Although in a very different way, I'm unfortunate enough to have watched someone close to me go through a massive mental breakdown, and I've really tried to draw on that experience through Ethan's narrative. I've tried to make it as realistic as possible, but please accept my sincere apologies if it doesn't ring true to your own experiences.**

 **I also wanted to tell you if you haven't worked it out already, that the title is taken from the song of the same name, originally by Josh Groban- though I think anyone who reads Finding Avalon can probably guess whose cover I prefer! Anyway, the full line from which the title comes is 'then I saw your face across the street, and my heart was home again.' It was too long for the title, but worth a mention.**

 **Your feedback would be much appreciated as ever, and please do let me know if you would like me to prioritise this one after Avalon.**

 **-IseultLaBelle x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Suspended?" Ethan repeats. Everything's stopped, all of a sudden; he can't concentrate, heart pounding almost painfully loudly and yet at the same time his hearing seems to be gone, a moment ago he was almost certain he could hear sobbing from upstairs, gentle reassurances, but now he can't seem to hear anything at all… "Alicia… suspended?"

"Suspended, yes," Mr Nicolescu confirms. "Dr Munroe is perfectly aware of the terms of her suspension…"

"Which are?" Ethan pushes urgently.

Suspended… Alicia, suspended, it doesn't make sense…

"I'm not at to discuss that with you, Dr Munroe knows to contact me should she have any further…"

"Listen..." His mind is racing… he's about to be hung up on, he's certain of it, but he can't let that happen, he needs to understand.

If he's going to help Alicia, he needs to know what he's dealing with, and the chances of Alicia explaining seem practically minute all the while she's like this.

"Listen… I'm her partner, I'm a consultant at Holby ED, I completely understand the importance of confidentiality…"

"I wasn't aware she had a partner."

"We were on a break, when she first took the job," Ethan lies hurriedly. "Look, she's… I'm with her, she's clearly very distressed… she's going to kill me for saying this… something has obviously freaked her, I'm struggling to get her to communicate with me at all and I'm at the point of taking her into the ED, in all honesty, so if there's anything you can tell me that might help me to help her… well, I would really appreciate it if you tell me."

Mr Nicolescu sighs. "Alright. Alright, I can… well, I can imagine. I'm going to shut the door, hold on a moment." There's a momentary pause on the other end of the line, a flurry of movement, and then he picks up the phone again. "I'm only willing to give you minimal details…"

"That's fine…"

"Alright. Dr Munroe… well, I didn't interview her personally, the fellowship directors handle the application process, but I was under the impression she was something special. And indeed, I saw glimpses of that, the first week or so she was with us. But right from the start… I thought she was just nervous, at first, she was jumpy, she was easily distracted, lots of minor mistakes, I'm sure you know the kind of thing. I understand this position was a significant promotion for her. Perhaps one rather beyond her capabilities, it would seem."

"I…"

"She's become increasingly withdrawn over the last few weeks, she's been aloof with the rest of my staff almost since day one, she's refused all my attempts to provide her with an opportunity to disclose anything that's affecting her ability to practice. Her communication with her patients is… well, it's declined rapidly, in the time that she's been here. Her work's become sloppier and sloppier- inadequate, really, I'd expect better from a medical student, it came to my attention this week that the nursing staff have been covering for her where they can for some time now. She's ignored all my requests to discuss her behaviour and her practical abilities with me, she blatantly refused to meet with me in my office on more than one occasion this week. I finally cornered her earlier and offered her a chance to explain herself, she didn't say a word. I had no choice but to suspend her, given the circumstances. I'll be contacting the fellowship directors first thing…"

"Listen, I… I know this isn't my place," Ethan stammers awkwardly. "If you've already made up your mind then… well, this is nothing to do with me, I completely accept that. I understand. But you should know… before you contact the directors, you need to have the full picture. This isn't…"

This isn't any of his business, Ethan reminds himself. That's the truth of it. This is absolutely none of his business, Alicia dumped him, if she knew he was having this conversation she would be utterly furious, and quite rightly so…

Except Alicia as she was before she left would be furious with him, he realises, heart sinks. The Alicia upstairs, trembling with fear, unresponsive… would she even react?

No, Ethan decides. He has to do this.

For her.

Even if she hates him for it now, perhaps she might thank him eventually.

"This isn't Alicia," he settles on at last. "I very much doubt you've seen a fraction of what she's capable of, from what you've said, and I completely appreciate that must be frustrating. But you need to understand… she was raped," he explains, heart racing, terrified that he's doing the wrong thing. "Nine months ago, now, almost ten, she was raped by another member of our department at Holby, he assaulted her a couple of months after that, threw her through a window. I… well, I don't need to tell you how traumatic those few months must have been, do I? She dislocated her left elbow, she was in work far sooner than she should have been after that, ended up back in physio a few weeks later. She was supposed to transfer her physio appointments to Manchester when she moved, whether she actually did or not, I don't know…"

"That would certainly explain the deterioration in her practical abilities," Mr Nicolescu agrees quietly. "But she of all people should know the importance of…"

"I know it's no excuse," Ethan tells him quickly, anticipating what's coming next. "I know that. I think… if I'm completely honest, I think she wasn't ready," he admits. "When she left Holby, I thought she was, I really did. She… well, you know as well as I do the long-term psychological consequences of rape. She was doing fine- more than fine, really- the few months before she handed in her notice here, I thought she was over it, I thought she was coping… I just wonder if it was too soon for her to move away from her support network," he confesses, painfully aware that there's a high chance Alicia will kill him for this, but he has to try; surely it's better for him to try?

"This isn't her," he continues. "This so isn't her, and I know… I know anything I say is unlikely to have any bearing on your decision. I completely accept that. But there's no doubt in my mind that this is all connected to what she went through last year. She was ecstatic, when she was offered the fellowship, she's worked so hard for this. I… well, she's always been brilliant, she really has, all the time I've worked with her. But she was made for Paeds, she worked absolute wonders, the months she was in the paeds ED at Holby. And I…" Ethan closes his eyes momentarily, heart racing, so nervous he almost feels as though he's fighting to salvage his own career, rather than hers. "I know that isn't what you've seen, I really do understand that. But… listen… having seen her tonight… it's not that she's not capable. It really isn't. She's just struggling, and given everything she's been through recently, I think the best of us would."

He should have seen this coming, Ethan realises with a sinking feeling. No matter how well she had appeared to be recovering before she left, he should have known, should have better appreciated that a move this drastic, away from everything she knew, a steep promotion, all of it on top of Eddie… he should have realised it had the potential to end like this, he should have done something about it before it all fell apart…

It might have been alright, Ethan contemplates bitterly.

It might have all been manageable for her if only her new boss weren't an older, spitting image of Eddie McAllister.

Mr Nicolescu sighs heavily. "While that does put rather a different perspective on things, I can't run a department based on…"

"I know that. I… well, I did a stint as acting clinical lead a couple of years back, believe me, I know. And I have no right to ask this of you, but… before you notify the fellowship directors, would you consider signing her off on sick leave instead? I just think… if she has some counselling, if she's given some time to work through this, allowed to return to work when she's ready…"

"And if she can't?"

"Then I'll hand in my notice and move up to Manchester with her. She was doing absolutely fine before she left, when she had support around her."

"You'd risk your own career for hers?" Mr Nicolescu asks sceptically.

"If it comes to it, yes. Listen, I…" Ethan stammers, suddenly aware that perhaps he's overdone it. "Alicia has the potential to be a better consultant than I could ever hope to be," he says at last. "The fellowship directors saw that- they must have, I was under the impression they usually select candidates with more than a few months' specialist paeds experience. I know how hard she's worked for this, I know how much it means to her. And I won't… she's lost enough over the last few months, because of what that man did to her," he says quietly at last. "I won't let him take this opportunity from her too. So yes, I'll risk my own career and move up to Manchester with her. If that's what it takes."

There's silence on the other end of the phone now, complete silence, and for a few awful moments, Ethan truly believes he's blown it for her.

"She's very lucky, to have you fighting her corner," Mr Nicolescu says at last. "Tell her she has four weeks of sick leave, starting tomorrow. I'll send her an email outlining the details, of course, but if you could… if you just pass on my regards and tell her I'll be in touch."

"Email might be best…"

"Alright. Alright, understood. I'll deal with the fellowship directors for now, but there's only so long I can hold them off," Mr Nicolescu warns. "She's still well within her probationary period, if she isn't fit to return to work in four weeks, they're going to want to re-allocate."

"Of course. Of course, I understand. Thank you," Ethan tells him heavily, finally able to breathe again. "Thank you."

She's asleep, by the time he makes it back up the stairs to her bedroom.

She's curled up under a pile of blankets, barely visible, Ruby on the edge of the bed beside her, holding her hand.

She looks... troubled. Even now, even asleep, she just looks so stressed, somehow, so anxious, as though she's been carrying the weight of the world upon her shoulders, these last few weeks, as though it's all threatening to crush her, and it's breaking Ethan's heart.

Ruby looks up, smiles faintly, as Ethan appears in the doorway. "She was asleep almost the moment her head hit the pillow," she explains softly, voice low. "I don't think she's slept properly for weeks."

Ethan glances back across to Alicia, still, pale, so much so that if it weren't for Ruby's hand holding hers, he would worry that she isn't merely asleep at all.

"No," he agrees, voice shaking a little more than he would like given he's spent the best part of the last few weeks, given Alicia's radio silence, trying to convince everyone around him that he's over her. "No, I don't imagine she has."

"Her range of motion's severely compromised in her left elbow," Ruby worries. "I've elevated it for now." She gestures to the stack of pillows at the side of the bed. "But I… well, I don't see how she can possibly have been attending all her physiotherapy sessions, she certainly shouldn't be working until this is improved. I wonder whether she's come back here because…"

"She's been suspended," Ethan admits shakily. "At the start of tonight's shift, from what I can gather. Or she was suspended, anyway, I've managed to talk the clinical lead at Manchester Paeds ED into signing her off sick instead. I phoned her in sick for her next shift," he explains to Ruby, just a little guiltily. "I thought I was doing the right thing, I… I just thought, it's not as if she's in any fit state to be doing it herself, is she? Has she… has she spoken, since…?"

Ruby shakes her head.

"Okay. Okay, we'll… well, I guess we'll have try and tackle that if she still isn't talking when she wakes up," he sighs, all-too aware that it's not a proper plan, not in the slightest, but it's the best he has right now. "Anyway, sorry, I… I thought it was best I phone in sick for her, I thought the last thing she needed on top of everything else was to miss a shift and be threatened with disciplinary in the middle of her probation period."

"You went through her phone?"

"God, no. She dumped me, didn't she? That would be the ultimate invasion of her privacy. No, I… I got the number for the clinical lead up there off google, I thought it was best." Slowly, apprehensively, he lowers himself onto the edge of the bed beside Ruby, eyes never leaving Alicia's face, terrified of waking her. "She couldn't have known, when she applied, she wouldn't have met him until she started the job, by the sounds of it, but… the Paeds clinical lead at Manchester ED is practically Eddie's doppelganger," he blurts out at last. "An older version, yes, but the likeness is seriously uncanny."

Ruby's face falls. "You think that's… you think having to work with him has affected her mental state?"

"I don't know. Possibly not in isolation, but I can't imagine it isn't a contributing factor," Ethan sighs. "I don't know, I just don't know. Her behaviour's become increasingly erratic, apparently, they'd noticed her practical abilities weren't where they should be when she arrived but it's been all downhill from there." Ethan sighs. "It's got to be her elbow injury. It's got to be. It's just not her, is it? There's no other explanation, even after Eddie, here… her mental state was clearly all over the place but her work never suffered. I mean… this is worse, I know that. This is so much worse. But she as good as admitted she's not been bothering with physio since she moved up there, as much as she realistically can do while she's like this, anyway…" He trails off, knows the question he needs to ask next, but can't quite bring himself to pose it at first, afraid he doesn't want to know the answer.

"So she was talking when she first showed up here?" Ethan tries carefully.

Ruby nods, gaze still fixed on Alicia, motionless, pale, hair a matted mess. "Well, more like screaming. She's quite scary when she wants to be, isn't she? But no, she definitely can speak. It's like…" she shakes her head, look of despair in her eyes.

"It's like she doesn't want to," Ethan finishes.

Both of them fall silent for a while.

"Do you think we should take her into the ED?" Ruby asks worriedly at last.

"What for, though?" Ethan asks reluctantly. "She's not exactly an emergency case, is she? There's nothing they can do for her in there that we can't do for her here."

"No, no, you're right," Ruby agrees. "I just…" she shakes her head, falls silent for a moment. "So you've managed to talk her out of a suspension?" she asks at last.

Ethan nods. "Suspension's off the table, they're going to sign her off sick for four weeks. Although how much use that's really going to be to her, I don't know… can you see her being well enough to go back to work in four weeks? She's not exactly going to be over this in a couple of days, is she?"

Alicia stirs, whimpers, visibly distressed.

"No," Ruby admits reluctantly. "No, I don't think she is."

 **It makes me very sad that I have to say this, so I'll keep it as brief as possible- and if you don't know why I'm saying this, then this is NOT directed at you.** **One thing I've really tried to do in writing this story is to keep things as authentic as possible. According to the most recent government statistics I can find, approximately 6% of the NHS workforce are EU nationals. It's always annoyed me that Casualty have never tried to reflect this more on screen. You may have noticed that I have two Eastern European NHS staff across my stories that are my 'own' characters, Mr Nicolescu in this story and Jurgita in Finding Avalon.**

 **I really don't want to get into my own nationality on here, but my 'other' country is in Eastern Europe, as you may have worked out if you've read Prostor, Prostor. Doctors there recently turned down a pay rise and asked the government to give it to the nurses instead, because salary for nurses is so horrifically low. Many nurses are leaving for other EU countries like the UK in search of better working conditions and have been for some time. Sadly, this is the case in many other former communist countries, too. Eastern European workers are a hugely valuable part of the NHS, and so yes, I know Holby is in England, and yes, I will continue to reflect the NHS workforce as it is today in my stories. If you don't like me occasionally writing in Eastern European characters, you don't have to read them.**

 **On a happier note, I am honestly a little blown away by how supportive you all are of this one- thank you so much** **panicpeachpit, LivingInADreamWorld13, Katharine, Lewisek18, guest and 20blueroses for your reviews! And I hope I've managed to handle this chapter with the sensitivity it deserves. I'm still annoyed that the writers managed to brush Alicia's rape under the carpet after episode 5 or so of this series.**

 **As ever, reviews would be wonderful,**

 **-IseultLaBelle x**


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